Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
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4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!