Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
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Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
Every haunted house movie:
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
Raisins are grape jerky.
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!