I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
You Might Also Like
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.