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me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
My teenage children choosing violence
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
Birds & Planes.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes