No, YOUR illiterate.
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7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
This was the best day of my life
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit