My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
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David Attenborough, the confusing early years
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
After 35, your body ages in dog years
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no