i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
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I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.