I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
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“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep