Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
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I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
The human personality is made of five key elements
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries