You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
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Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.