If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
You Might Also Like
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me: