ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
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Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
Still my favourite meme.
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.