Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
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I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.