Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
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me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
*seductively eats two tums*
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism