Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
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photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
Rich people don’t understand cereal
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.