Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
You Might Also Like
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
Favourite diary entry ever
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”