[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
You Might Also Like
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
my dad when a sex scene comes on
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.