[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
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If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
car not found
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area