Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
You Might Also Like
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
Only short people can save us
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
My guardian angel deserves a raise
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
I saw this ending much differently.
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
oh no, steve’s working tonight
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no