therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
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This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.