Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
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I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.