Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
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Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
I occasionally drink every single night.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL