Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
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basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes