LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
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Can Happiness buy money?
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Is your wife single?
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.