Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
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Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
A Match(.com), but for socks.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve