ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
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Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
Me too, bag. Me too….
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
Love this guy
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
nice challenge
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.