I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
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The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine