I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
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Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”