Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
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My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
It was worth a shot 😂
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
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demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans