British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
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Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas