The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
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Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”