Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
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A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real