me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
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7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …