my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
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A little too much information.
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe