Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
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[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”