It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
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Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?