[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
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*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.