If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
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I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
boat question
sistine chapel
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.