Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
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I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
scared to check what name she chose
Mountain Goat : )
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”