*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
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HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
Stop sending me this shit.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.