(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
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I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
the noise i just made
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”