Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
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My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
mariah carrie
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.