A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
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A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”