yes… yes…
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DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
A roof is a house hat.
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong