houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
You Might Also Like
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.