A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
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Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.