One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
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Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
groan^2
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.