I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
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I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS