It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
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How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”