pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
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The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
“That’s what” – She
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.